The Asshole Named Anxiety

So, odds are that you’re reading this because A.) you’re my friend and trying to be supportive. B.) Saw the word anxiety and thought “Hmmm I have that”, or C.) Both.

I am literally crawling out of my skin for no reason. None. It’s a rough night at work, but that happens all the time. I work with tractor trailer drivers…. shit gets rough. So for those of you that are not familiar, anxiety is a mental health disorder. Almost everyone I know has it at some point, but maybe that’s just because I hang out with anxious people. Who knows? If you have anxiety, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

What do you do for it? How do you alleviate the feeling of having an elephant on your chest and stop the electricity pumping through your body? The instant fight or flight response when there is nothing to run from or fight. I’ve had psych doctors suggest grounding, breathing, medication, phone a friend, go outside, go for a walk, and so on. Some of these work for some people…But for some people, none of these things work. Do you even know what those things are?

I do, I have insanity part B. This comes into play when you know what to do, and do nothing. You know how to make things better and move forward… but you just don’t. Sometimes it goes hand in hand with Insanity part A, which is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. It’s rough to live in a body where anxiety is king. It dictates what I can and can not do, can and can not eat, who I can and can not see. It’s bull sh**.

Yet, here is my subconscious trying to help. He tells me to drink more water, eat better food, get more exercise, and meditate. I know these things will help me, and I know firsthand that these things work. So why the hell can I not seem to get my life together enough to do them? It’s like I’m a gluten for pain, and I hate it. It’s been a main source of my self loathing for as long as I can remember actually. I legit talk to myself all the time and try getting into a groove to better my entire life. Why is it so hard?

Let’s Google it.

So, according to Psychology Today , research is showing that switching your brain into positive thought mode is still very beneficial. Apparently we confuse simple with easy. This actually kind of makes sense to me. It’s not easy at all. Simple, yes. All you do is replace the negative with some positive. Highlight gratitude instead of focusing on what you don’t have. These things sound simple, right? But they’re difficult. You literally have to undo years of damage accumulated to your thought process. For some people, that’s years of hate, years of abuse, years of human discord, and years of self loathing. Even if you can change one thought a day, that is a huge deal.

Keep in mind, in order to facilitate any type of change you need to take action. Have you ever seen the Shia Labeouf video of him going “Just Do It!”? I dunno about you guys, but I instantly thought that is easier said than done. I sit there and work all day with monetary motivation, but without that I’m just scrolling on FB and taking care of my kid. I beat the stuffing out of myself on a daily basis because I think I’m lazy and kind of a POS. But that’s what I was taught at a very young age. I wasn’t allowed to go out and play because I’d be “kidnapped”. Looking back on this, I’m pretty sure I would have been returned fairly quickly. That’s not the point, but this is what I was raised around. Illogical paranoia that sits in the back of my head mocking my every thought, making simple tasks in life daunting and unmanageable. I know this to be false. I understand now how things work, including my thought process. I understand how to better my life. I understand the chemistry between the human body and food, and I understand how to fix what I have deemed wrong with me for so long. But I haven’t done anything about it. All the “What If’s” float around in the mess that is my brain. Here’s one that I’m sure everyone is familiar with… “What if I fail?”. Such a simple phrase surrounded by complex ideologies. This takes us back to simple vs. easy in a different magnitude. This is Understanding vs. Doing. It’s highlighted in that aforementioned article.

Now, let’s talk about abuse. We know damn well we shouldn’t deal it from anyone. It’s wrong essentially. So what happens when the abuser is yourself? Negative self-talk is one of the biggest downfalls of human planning. The ever notorious “I can’t do this, what was I thinking?”. It gets in the fu**ing way all the time. I’ve managed to turn around at least 40% of my negative self-talk, and I am slowly increasing that percentage. “Self- blame gets in the way of self-empowerment.” If we aren’t going to take anyone else’s sh**, why do we take on so much of our own?

I bet your minds are trying to wrap themselves around what I’ve said. What all of this comes down to is that positive thinking creates positive emotions. This can also take me into the rabbit hole of “Law of Attraction”, but we’ll get into that at a later date. Thoughts become things. Our life is literally made up of things. Physical beings surround us at any given moment. How they affect us is up to us. This is all very challenging, I understand that. But what is the worst thing that is going to happen? What terrible thing is going to occur because you don’t want to be miserable anymore? Try it. I am. Things will get better, but only if we let them.

Published by Sikkilynn

Welcome to the brainchild of a single mother that runs on Caffeine, Chaos, and cuddles. I'm not entirely sure what you're going to find on this website. But I am sure that you're going to get to know plenty about me by reading these pieces. See you there!

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