I’m as guilty as anyone else when we talk about digging up old relationships. It’s actually quite terrible how bad I am at it. I had recently gotten out of the relationship with my oldest son’s father and poof. There go all my rules and regulations as far as dating goes. I instantly connected randomly with my Ex for a brief period of time after that breakup. I still kick myself in the ass for it, and I wish I had just stayed the hell away. Mind you, that was 2017. Fast forward past my rebound relationship and we have circa January 2018. Dude was the love of my life for a long period of time. When we broke up back in 2009, it ripped me inside out. It started what would be a year and a half of the worst decisions I have ever made in my life. It burned from my toes to my brain, and it was my first run in with ever feeling that way. Shortly after that breakup said dude started dating one of my best friends and had a baby with her. Once I cleaned up, things were tolerable for a long time and I even got to babysit the little guy. I’d gotten over it and things were copasetic for a while. I chalked it up as a blessing in disguise and went on with my life. I met my sons father and we were together for 5 years. That’s a long time in retrospect. I probably would have done things differently had I known any better. However, I want what I want. I know I deserve better. Well….that’s sure as shit not what I ended up with. Enter stage right, Enrique. Fresh outta jail. I had basically grown up with the guy and his mother had passed away. So I went to the memorial and reconnected with a lot of people.
That lead to one thing and next thing you know I’m running away and unknowingly pregnant.
My following decisions weren’t that much better. I ended up in a 2 year addiction cycle from hell. I will never down or Shane anyone in recovery. But I also may never date anyone in recovery ever again too. The manipulation, deceit, and heartbreak that this relationship caused me are unparalleled to any other relationship I’ve been in. I quickly learned that he felt as though he was in a situationship. Narcissistic tendencies and drug use fueled his feelings for me. The more I could do for him, the more he acted like he cared about me. And when I could no longer do for him….he just took it. And lied about everything and anything to make him look like the victim. He still makes me look like the villain and him the victim. It’s absolutely absurd, and reinforces why I left in the first place. Everything for a reason.
Enter stage left…being alone. I stayed alone for months. I had a fwb that turned into something much more. But that’s for another post completely. I was able to sit with myself, my thoughts, and my feelings. I was able to sort my life out after that failed relationship. I was lonely sometimes, but it doesn’t rain forever.
I will never allow a partner to break me down that badly again. I can’t afford it. Not only for my myself, but for my kids. I’ve grown so much in the past year alone. I’ve been working my ass off to make sure we are okay. I’ve left the state for the first time in god knows how long. I’ve gotten a house for my kids and I. The list goes on. And I’ve found a partner that values me in every way possible. Even before we started dating, he was kind, compassionate, and nothing but respectful. I viewed him as a lesson that if a guy can value me like that without even being my boyfriend, I deserve more. Now he has become a permanent fixture, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m good, my boys are good, and my relationship is healthy.
You literally can do anything you put your mind to. Here’s to reaching all of my goals next year. Stay classy! 😘
Caffeine, Chaos, and Cuddles 