Being a mother is one of the greatest and most challenging things I’ve ever done. I have two beautiful, smart, amazing, and sassy little boys. I’m not with either of my sons fathers. However, we all are still friends. Mother’s day used to be all about finding one of those plants randomly at a gas station, being sure to double check the flowers weren’t half dead. I’d bring this plant to my mother, whom would plant it in her garden. It’s been Seven years since my mother was able to do that. My mother died August of 2014. Cancer…of course. The disease we seem to know everything, yet nothing, about. Needless to say, Mother’s day is very bittersweet for me.
I began Mother’s day by bawling my eyes out, as per usual. I don’t talk about that often, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Crying is a normal bodily function that is actually necessary to successfully process feelings. If my crying offends you, you probably need to get that checked. I went from my self loathing pity party into mom mode. My mom mode is messy ladies and gentleman. I don’t know I’m coming or going and somewhere in the background there’s a crying baby. Have you ever tried thinking while a baby is crying? That Shit is hard to do. I managed to shower, change, change tiny humans, and find socks. If you know, you know. The sock struggle is real. We left almost on time, and were abruptly side tracked by a blow out diaper. Good times indeed. We met up with my youngests’ father and his girlfriend for breakfast. This is always a good time because they have his little sister. They constantly smack each other (the kids) and start laughing for no reason, and I am here for it. So much cute in such tiny bodies.
Some of you may be thinking “Wow, how awkward must that have been?”. Well the answer is not that awkward. I’m a firm believer in It’s only awkward if you make it awkward, so I try not to make it awkward. His girlfriend messages me all the time to talk, and we’re even friends on the Nintendo Switch. I have no hate nor malice towards this woman for being with my ex. An ex is an ex for a reason. They worked out, we didn’t. End of story. However, since he and I procreated…I’m kind stuck with him. Therefore by default I am stuck with her….so I made the best out of it. Breakfast was delicious by the way. We then went to Walmart where he purchased whatever Kolton needed for this first time in my sons’ 21 months of life. I felt relieved. You guys have no idea what I’ve gone through the past three years with this man. It felt amazing to actually have him in my corner that day. Here is to hoping that there will be more of those days.
Now it was finally time to get my oldest child. I love my boys more than life itself, but my oldest can talk to me. It’s great when it’s great, but when it’s bad…. I damn near feel like performing an exorcism. He stayed at his paternal grandmother’s house. His mom-mom. I pull up and it’s cold and rainy. I get out to help him carry his things and all he says is “What are you doing here?”I kept my cool, at this point my anger was at a simmer. Low, yet slightly passive aggressive. I tell him to go get his things because we are leaving. This boy was outside playing in shorts and a T-shirt.
He starts bawling -_-
I instantly felt my blood boiling to the next level of anger. I’m all for healthy expression of feelings. I really, truly am. But nothing happened. I asked him to spend a few friggin hours with me on Mother’s day. I birthed him. I think I at least deserve that. How does he respond? By crying… How am I supposed to feel right now. I felt my mother’s words come out of my mouth before my brain could even process them. “”If you don’t get moving I’m gonna give you something to cry about”….the look he gave me drove a sharp pain in my chest, but I stood my ground. Still crying, he got into my car. I exchanged words with his mom-mom, and we compromised. I would be bringing him back after my dinner. Still crappy seeing as I didn’t see him at all that weekend. But it is what it is.
Stop Number two was my aunts house. Since birthing my youngest child, she’s been a stand in grandmother. She is literally his favorite person. I think he values that woman more than me, and I made him. So that time is focused mostly on her. She did however surprise me with these cute little plaques that had the kids handprints on them. My mother is her sister, so my amends to my mother heavily involves my aunt. She gets the corny gifts now, and she gets the “I’m home” texts at night. As a grown woman this relationship can feel intrusive….but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My mom was on top of my shit at all times. She texted and called over and over until I answered. It drove me insane and I hated it…..then she passed away in June of 2014. I’ve missed every ounce of it since then. So to have my aunt constantly checking in has been a blessing. I legit feel my mom in those check ins almost every time. I cannot stress to you how important it is to cherish your family while you still have them (Outside of any toxic familial relationships that you have).
After our mothers day festivities I dropped my son off as promised. Then I went home emotionally exhausted. I got my youngest to bed and made sure that I got into my comfy clothes to wind down. There was then a knock on the door (not really because he usually just walks in….but I gotta set the scene somehow).
In walked our friend. He has been around for almost a year now. He’s close to my sons father, comes to our family game nights, hangs out, helps us with our cars, and is overall one of the most chill people I know. He hands me a bag and says “Happy Mothers Day Beautiful”. I’ve been developing a healthy close relationship to this individual for months. He keeps surprising me with how good he is to everyone. I got some candy, two plants (which I hopefully don’t kill), and a beautiful card. It was oddly enough like that dark cloud dissipated. I have no children with this man, and we are not in a romantic relationship. Yet….he showed me love in such a simple gesture when others never would have even thought to. I got the world’s biggest hug after that. We resumed game night as per usual in my house. But I felt less bitter…..dare I say content. Content is one of my favorite feelings because it is not painful. I wasn’t crying anymore. Internally or externally.
This simple gesture woke something up in me… Hope. Hope for things to get better. Hope for my mental health. Hope for something more.
Hope….the only thing more powerful than fear.